Last Sunday, I attended the best church service of my life. I felt like the people of Corinth after the apostle Paul had delivered the Lord’s message to them. All thanks to the new pastor – a woman. By the end of the sermon, a part of me wanted to get saved. A part of me wanted to be calmed down. That part was my erection. And who better to save it than the strikingly gorgeous pastor? Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t get a boner in church. It happened later on, when I was recollecting her words of wisdom while on my way home
Ooh…. Pastor Rebecca, I had never seen anything like her. She was beautiful, like a night of cloudless climes and starry skies. She was built with curves like the hull of a billionaire’s yatch. They way she connected with the congregation was magical. For the first time in a church, my mind had not drifted away.
While at home, I re-read the service sheet and noticed something interesting. The church was holding a free counseling service on Wednesday (yesterday) and the counselor would be none other than Pastor Rebecca. Whatever problem any church member was having, Pastor Rebecca would be there to advise and sooth.
Crazy as it was, I made a plan to create a non-existent personal problem then go get counseled by her, just for the fun of it. It’s said that as a seducer, you should always be innovative. There are always opportunities to hit on women everywhere. All you have to open your eyes and see what other guys don’t
When the day of reckoning arrived, I did all my work ‘shughulis’ early then I left town for church. Upon arriving at the compound, I asked the watchman where the counseling services were being conducted and he pointed to big certain office door a few miles away.
On the bench outside, there were two girls waiting in line. They both took their time inside. It was only after 45 minutes that I finally got in. Behind me, around 20 other people had already showed up and formed a line. The bench was too small to accommodate all of them.
People have problems in this world. It’s no joke. Yet I there was on a silly mission to seduce a pastor. A little guilt munched away on me.. But hey? The bible tells us to love ourselves first right?
Pastor Rebecca stood up, shook my hand and smiled before asking me to sit. What a woman of God. She was about five foot seven, with short, frizzy hair and a marshmallow body. I loved the site of her.
“So tell me your problem young man” she hissed out like a speaker playing humba music
Young man? Did she just call me young man? She was only 28. That’s what she told the congregation on Sunday.
It’s always a bad thing when a lady you are trying to hit on perceives you as young. Most women pretend to value maturity so when you don’t appear mature physically, you have to portray it intellectually.
I told Pastor Rebecca how I was the first born in our family (I am actually the fourth) and how I wanted to change my younger siblings who were not being responsible with their lives
“I want my younger sister to be just like you when she grows up” I said.
I didn’t stop there. I kept mixing compliments to her with emotional challenges of my own in order to soften her up. She was impressed but she stayed professional, or rather spiritual. It looked like she wasn’t going to buy into my vibe.
I was aware of everything I said as my mouth moved, conjuring up all the pickup lines I could come up with. What was different about pastor Rebecca was that none seemed to be working. I just couldn’t reach what I call the ‘hook point’, which is when a woman you’ve approached decides she enjoys your company and doesn’t want you to leave. Though I sat just a few feet away from the gorgeous preacher, a mile-wide chasm separated us.
But I am a persistent little brat. I pride myself in being a provocateur. I was not going to give up. I had to come up with something new
“I have another problem,” I said
“What’s it?” she asked
“Do you think masturbation is a sin?”
I was going all in now
“Yes….are you addicted to masturbation?”
“Not really…I had stayed for years without masturbation. The last time I did it, I was while I was in high school. But this past Sunday, as I was driving home in my BMW, I kept having impure thoughts about you. Then when I got to home, I grabbed some Vaseline and I found myself it. “
Pastor Rebecca was stunned. The shock in her face was shocking in itself. This was a ‘high risk, high reward or deep failure kind of scenario. Things were either going to go very well or very bad.
There were two important elements in my confession. 1) I said I was driving a BMW and that meant I was young and rich (I actually don’t own a BMW but my bro can lease me one cheaply for a day if I wanted) 2) I had shamelessly informed the pastor that I was so attracted to her so much that I couldn’t help but fap. No matter how holy a woman is, she finds pleasure in knowing that men’s balls boil because of her.
“What job do you do?” she asked.
I had baited her with my ‘wealth’ illusion. It was working
“I write for Elite Daily, the world’s best lifestyle blog.” I answered confidently.
Well that wasn’t a lie. I was recently hired by Elite Daily and given a weekly column on their website. I couldn’t tell Rebecca I have a blog called Tukatiane too because the ratchetness of Tukatiane wouldn’t impress a pastor too much.
“That’s really great. Achieving all that at your age is phenomenal.” She said as a mile wide smile now replaced the wrinkles formed by her prior shock.
“Thank you…So about the masturbation…what do I do? How can I forget about you? ”I reverted back to my ‘manufactured’ problem, while brushing off her excitement.
One of the best ways to make a person even more interested in you is to show them that you are willing to walk away from them. Show that you value them but you value yourself more
“Uuuuum..i think we can address this problem of yours when we are both less busy. Since kuna watu wengi wanangoja nje, unaeza nipatia number yako then nitakupigia tupange appointment ingine Ni sawa?” she suggested.
Of course any man would have handed out his number in a flash but there’s a difference between ‘kuingiza dem box’ and ‘kufunga box’. To achieve the latter, I had to make her come up with another suggestion that would bring us closer to sex. And that meant declining her offer in order to fish for a better one.
‘Hapana. Sidhani nitapata nafasi ya kukuja hapa tena. I am flying to Cairo for two days kesho and after that I will have a lot of meetings to attend here in Nairobi. But thanks anyway pastor. I’ll just deal with it”
I stood up, as if wanting to leave but as expected, she wouldn’t let me. She yelled.
“Ngoja! Usiende. I can even come to your house and counsel you there if you are busy. I don’t mind. Nipatie tu number yako. Just tell me the time you want me to come”
Just like that, the deal was closed. I gave her y number and took hers, before walking out like boss. Every woman has a price, you just have to know what it is.
Let’s see how Rebecca shall help me solve this ‘masturbation’ problem of mine at my house.
Somebody say Amen?
