Sex Tips

What If Someone Catches You Masturbating?

Every man masturbates. It’s called jerking off. Well, jerking off has been one of the most popular hobbies in Kenya ever since it was invented by me in 1937. Yes, you thought who invented it?

Statistically speaking, most men discover masturbation at around age 15 (or 10 if you live in Eastlands).

Most dudes jerk off every day. You’re probably jerking off right now as you read this is, and I don’t blame you. My boyish charm is undeniable; I get off on my articles, too.

But there’s nothing worse than getting caught jerking. NOTHING. There are innocent men doing life in prison right now who were falsely convicted of murder who are thinking, “Well, at least I didn’t get caught wackin’ off.”

So in the future, if you’re ever grappling your gorilla, you need to be prepared for the possible emergency. Here is a comprehensive guide for when you get caught trying to churn your own butter. The guide is divided into categories based on who catches you in the act.

1. A Parent

This is arguably the worst case scenario. The idea of getting caught by a parent when you’re in your room burping the worm is worse than any horror movie. So here’s what you should do.

If it’s your mom, you need to pretend you that your hand was just possessed by some evil spirit, and it was attacking your private area in some weird haunted scenario. Tell her that you just said a bunch of prayers in your head that sent the evil spirit back to hell and that you’re safe now.

If it’s your dad, guilt-trip him. Shout “I LEARNED IT FROM YOU! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!” This will make him question his quality of parenting, and he’ll realize how his insufficient efforts to raise you have corrupted your mind. He’ll immediately leave the room and cry without your mom seeing

2. Sibling

This is slightly less awkward than getting caught by a parent, but still extremely uncomfortable. It’s your sibling, and you don’t want them to see you arm wrestling your own one-eyed champ.

If it’s a brother, it depends on if they’re older or younger. If they’re younger, quickly stop and get very calm and zen-like. Say this: “One day you will learn all of this by yourself.” It’s powerful foreshadowing in the crossroads of life, and it makes you feel like a Kung Fu master and/or Jedi talking to an apprentice. If they’re older, tell them to leave immediately, and if they say anything than you’ll tell your parents about the one time they stole your father’s alcohol.

If it’s an older sister, tell her that you’re a male and that this is a necessary and normal thing, and they need to leave and pretend they never saw it. If it’s a younger sister, give her hell. Yell at her and make her feel like she is the one on the wrong for entering your room without permission.

3. Friend

Pretty awkward, but much less awkward than a family member.

If it’s a female friend, you have multiple options. The best and most obvious option is to apologize, and in a few months it’ll be a funny story for you guys to tell at parties and shit. But, if you wanna take a risk, when your female buddy catches you milking your mongoose, you could tell her that she should come join you and help you finish, and that you guys should take your friendship to the next level. Best case scenario: You either hook up with her, or she just rolls her eyes and laughs. Worst case scenario: She stabs you in the eye with her phone.

If it’s a male friend, tell him to get the fuck outta your room. And that he shouldn’t judge you. If he’s being a dick about it, just say this: “Well at least I’m not begging girls for sex on Facebook like you Brayo.” Your friend is most likely begging girls for sex on Facebook.

4. Girlfriend

This is the best case scenario, because it’s not really a big deal if your girlfriend catches you faxing the pope.

Tell her to come help you. This will probably work, and unlike your female platonic friend, she won’t strangle you with dental floss for suggesting this. Maybe she’ll help, or maybe she won’t be in the mood because she’s still emotionally exhausted from her own masturbation.

But here’s the important thing to remember, gentlemen: If your girlfriend gets mad, break up with her immediately. Any GF that gets mad at you for gripping your pencil is literally a serial killer and you need to safely get away from her as soon as possible.

So those are your tips for avoiding awkwardness if you get caught milking yourself. Keep them in mind the next time you jerk, you disgusting douchebags.

About Mahatma Ganji

I take too many risks. I race with my friends at 180 km/h on clear but dangerous roads. I walk alone at 3 am in the night and I sleep with my landlord's wife. I also work bloody hard, so I am never broke.
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