I’m the Eminem of Eating Pussy, which means I’m one of the best that’s ever done it. If you lined up all the girls who’ve I’ve gone down on and had them cast ballots, I know I’d make it to the hall of fame of pussy eaters.
You see for me when I see a pretty girl a few things run through my head—“she’s cute. She’s sexy. I’d eat that.” Before you get grossed out, I can count on one hand (okay a hand and a few fingers) girls I’ve eaten out.
I’ve had girls who I didn’t go down on because they didn’t move me in that way. I see my cunnilingus skills as a superpower. It’s my Wolverine Claws; I’m not going to use my powers unless it’s a good reason. I don’t have to be in a relationship with you, or even like you, me giving a girl the best head of her life comes down to a gut feeling and desire to blow her mind.
But something has happened recently. Guys don’t reserve going down on a girl for the baddest of the baddest, they’re just looking to lick for all the wrong reasons. Why are you eating every chick that spreads her legs?
Back when we were growing up we didn’t talk about eating pussy, all dudes denied that they even did it. It was this dark secret that you kept to yourself because it wasn’t macho man savage. But somewhere things got fucked up. Suddenly guys are talking about eating pussy, licking ass, sucking toes, and being proud of it.
Now eating the pussy isn’t a special privilege reserved for top shelf women, it’s expected by all of them. The phrase “You got to lick it before you stick it” fucked everything up, because dudes agreed to that rule.
If I have to give you head in order for you to have sex with me, then I haven’t done my job right. If a girl were to ever say something like that to me I would be offended, and I’m not sure if I wouldn’t apply a headlock to her ignorant ass. But this is the new millennium and guys will do it all day long.
EAT IT TO GET SOME: “come on, I’ll eat it first”. If you do this, you’re a lame ass dude. Show some self-respect. Tame the pussy, don’t let it tame you. Jiheshimu.
EAT IT BECAUSE SHE SAID SO: If she calls you just to come over and eat it, and you don’t get anything but a hand job—you’re a sucker. She has the power over you, you are now her bitch.
EAT IT IF SHE SUCKS IT: Unless you’re 16 head for head should never be bartered. It’s saying, I don’t trust you nor do I want to have oral sex with you. If she wanted to suck it, she would. In the end it’s going to be bad head. She’s going to make you go first, she’ll cum, then suck your shit for three minutes then say her mouth hurts.
EAT IT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO: It’s okay to be nasty. If a girl makes your mouth water, fuck it go and do your thing. But do it because you want to, not because she’s blackmailing you.
I think most dudes don’t have enough guidance. Girls today are very open when it comes to talking about sex. Today’s female has no problem with fucking your face while smoking your blunt and drinking your alcohol. For a girl, even averagely attractive, to ask a guy to go down on her, is a turn on.
Men are freaks, but you have to draw a line. You will not treat my face like a saddle and expect me to wipe my chin, put my shoes on, go home and wank off, just because you have a big ass.
Today’s men don’t take pride in their dick game. They rely too much on giving head, I see these lame guys on Facebook and twitter dropping comments or @’ing women things about how they want to lick them until they squirt and so on—Dude—you’re a man, not a fucking lesbian, how about talking about how you’re going to lay pipe until she can’t walk anymore? Why are you taking pride in a skill anybody with a tongue can do?
Men, it’s time to take back the tongues. Take pride in your stroke game and reserve your holy tongue for the bad bitches.
Lately I’ve been getting weird calls and texts from people asking for hookups and where the next sex party is at. I DO NOT PLAN SEX PARTIES 😅 AND I DO NOT HOOK UP PEOPLE. THANK YOU
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