Dating And Seduction

Aki Wewe

Remember when we were taught about traffic lights in primary school? Our teachers must have been optimistic that we would all own cars when we grew up. But whether you own a car or not, you can never forget about those lights that Nairobi drivers love to ignore.

Red means STOP. Orange/Yellow means GET READY (to either stop or proceed). Green means GO.

The template of traffic lights can also be applied to kukatiana. Red, orange/yellow and green can be used to illustrate how far you are in your journey to get into a girl’s pants.

Each light comes with it’s own set of behaviours from a girl. Those behaviours are as follows.

Red: At this stage, you have a long way to go. Statements that come out of her mouth include “Umetoa wapi number yangu?”, “Siwezi kukumeet sai.”, “Niko na boyfriend”, “I am not interested”, “Niko busy, maybe another time”, “No thanks” and so on. She can even ignore you altogether. If you persist, the light will turn orange/yellow.

Orange/Yellow: In modernized traffic lights, this color has been replaced by timers that take you to either red or green but it’s relevance it’s still there. At this stage, you are in the middle of the kukatiana process. If you play your cards right, you’ll be taken to the finish lime but if you mess up, you’ll go back to ‘red.’ She might text you first but wont say much. She wants you to take control and impress her. She gives you the chance to show her what you are made off. Sweet words or mature manly behaviours matter most here.

In short this is the period of uncertainty in a woman. Reason? The lust of women, unlike that of us men, isn’t blind or monumental or animal. Men, we simply show interest in a girl by looking at her bodily features and talking to her. But women’s lust comes with an endless internal monologue—or maybe dialogue, or maybe babel.

Female sexuality is a mess of tangled wires while male desire functions like a simple on-off switch.

A woman’s desire is always guessing, often second-guessing. Female lust is a powerful force, but it surges in the form of an interrogation, rather than a statement. She doesn’t think “I want this” she thinks “Do I want this? Maybe not. Should I do this? How about now? And now?”

It is at the orange/yellow stage that you make her sure whether she wants it or not.

Green: You know what a girl says at this stage? AKI WEWE! Yes, AKI WEWE! That’s the greenlight to getting into her pants. When she says this, it means she literally gets wet every time she sees you or hears from you.

To put it in mtaa lingua, Aki Wewe means umemumaliza. You have totally charmed her. She wants to part her thighs for you. All you have to do is lead her to the slaughterhouse.

Note that slay queens wont use the words aki wewe specifically. You know how slay queens behave. They pretend to only prefer speaking English but don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. Or ‘fan’ and ‘fun’. Ati “Aki Etemesi I am your biggest fun.”

It’s FAN dammit !!!😡😡😡😡

Who was your English teacher? Wafwoli Bikoli?

Haha. So instead of aki wewe, slay queens will say things such as “gosh! you are so funny”, “you’ve been quiet” , “I like your [insert anything]” or “heyyy“. A ‘hey’ that has more than one ‘y’ is an invitation to smash. Trust me.

Still, research conducted by the Department of Mafisi Studies in Havard University shows that normal girls who don’t think they are Cardi B are likely to subconsciously say AKI WEWE when wameingia box.

Remember, when you hear those words, you should act quickly. Attraction has an expiry date just like the bread in that shop next to your house.

If you follow the green light aka aki wewe, you will soon be residing in the land of titties and ass. But if you take too long, she will lose interest. Any attempt to slide your thirsty hand down her soft thighs will be thwarted, and back into the dark cataclysms of the friend-zone you will return with your balls as blue as the deep pacific.

In the end, you will be left with no other choice but to languish in your masturbatorium.

So fellow men, open your ears wide. Be alert. The moment you hear aki wewe, raise your phallus and charge


About Philip Etemesi

I am the sheriff in this town. Writing is my joie de vivre. I am a superman thanks to God. Need to discuss a thing or two with me? Shoot me an email via
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