Dating And Seduction

Long Distance Relationships Are A Waste Of Time

Long distance relationships don’t work. Period.

A long distance relationship can be compared to when a soccer player takes a speculative shot from the middle of the pitch. Occasionally the ball might end up in the net and it’ll be considered ‘goal of the season’ but it’s almost likely never going to happen. Normally his shot will go way over the bar or the keeper will catch it comfortably and then people will be like “Sasa alikua anafikiria nini? Si angepass tu ball

Long distance relationships don’t work because one or both partners will always cheat. And even in the rare cases where no one is cheating, there will always be insecurities stemming from constant suspicion. The result will be a canopy of jealousy and an eventual shade of “I can’t do this anymore.”

I used to have a neighbour, a chick who had a hard-working guy living in Eldoret. He would pay her rent and he’d also pay for her to travel to Eldy once a month. He just didn’t know that the girl was cheating on him with a workmate. I saw it all. The chick would come with the workmate, clinging on to him tight like a baby chimp on its mama’s back. He would bang her like Hancock until there were tremors on the ground. The walls would shake and plates would fall on the floor. I think I saw the chick limping on some few occasions too.

I have much respect for guys who bang women hard like that so there was no way I was ever gonna snitch. Plus he was a big fan of my articles too so I was cool with him. The chick’s Eldoret boyfriend once came by to visit then called me aside and asked me if his chick brought any men over. He had become suspicious as expected, but I swore had never seen anyone.

The chick eventually got pregnant with the workmate and as for the Eldoret guy, ilibidi ajipee shughuli. After paying hundreds of thousands of shillings in rent and fare, he was left in the cold. He should have used that money to buy a plot or something had he known better. I felt sorry for him but such is life.

Lesson? Absence makes the pussy go wander. It doesn’t make the heart grow fonder like we were told in school.

Guys, If you’re in a long distance relationship with a woman, you’re increasing your odds that she will surreptitiously spread her legs for the veiny cocks of strange men. And she will orgasm with them. Oh yes, she will orgasm. Hard, powerfully and pleasurably……..sometimes even leading to the rise of an offspring, as was the case with my neighbour.

Getting into a long distance relationship that is expected to be monogamous and stable is the dumbest thing people do. A long distance relationship is like if you took a regular relationship,dipped it in a lake full of piranhas and told it to swim back to the shore. So you have a serious long distance relationship with a person for months or years and you expect that person to never get naked with anyone else while you’re away for that long? Are you serious right now?

Unless you both have ridiculously low sex drives, this will never, ever, ever, ever work. At least one of you will cheat, if not both of you, guaranteed.

Never, ever, ever agree to a relationship like thisHuman beings need sex. If it’s long distance, you should be allowed to fuck other women, and you should not be surprised or upset if she fucks other guys while you’re gone. Don’t like the sound of that? Then don’t do long distance relationships at all.

It’s difficult to maintain a real connection with a woman if you can’t physically fondle her tits on at least a semi-regular basis, meaning once a week or close to it. Phone sex, chat sex, video sex and all this other crap is complete bullshit and is only for weak males who cant get laid, at least in my opinion.

Why do this when there are several hundred thousand other women within your age range and hotness requirements within your own town you could be having real sex with? It makes absolutely no sense.

There are men who travel long distances like from Mombasa to Kisumu just to get shag a woman they call bae. Or they pay a huge amount of money for the woman to come over.  Why pay for a woman’s plane/bus tickets on a regular basis when there are women just as hot/cool/smart as her right down the street? Why spend hours in a bus just to go see someone?

The bottom line is that it makes no sense to spend thousands of shillings on transportation costs just to have lungula with a particular woman on a regular basis. The only bizarre exception to this rule I can think of is if you have Abisai (the Sportpesa jackpot winner)’s kind of money and live in some distant, remote area where there are literally no women.

Date a lady in your area that you can bang any time you feel like. Don’t date that lady whom you keep telling “I can’t wait to make love to you in two months time” yet another guy takes gets to unclasp her bra two minutes after you finish talking to her on the phone.


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About Philip Etemesi

I am the sheriff in this town. Writing is my joie de vivre. I am a superman thanks to God. Need to discuss a thing or two with me? Shoot me an email via
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Tukatiane is a 'Relationships and Sex' website run by award winning Kenyan writer Philip Etemesi. His goal is to help everyone have excellent relationships as well as healthy sex lives. Other goals are to provide entertainment to readers through witty and edgy stories.
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