Society

Never Date Sugar Mummies

Sometimes I get messages from guys who are looking for sugar mummies and you know what? I feel like slapping the shit out of them followed by numerous Stone Cold stunners. It’s like they were told Etemesi has a sugar mummy factory. I hate sugar mummies. I would never date an older woman for money and sex even if I was living in a shack in Kibera.

Why would you even be attracted to obese or bony older women with sunken eye sockets and loose skin yet there are millions of pretty young chicks running around? If I ever woke up in the glaring, pore revealing light of morning, turn over and see a ‘mama ya mtu’ conquest snoring fitfully next to me, i’d make for the exits like Road Runner and cleanse my dick with holy water. Then I’d ask the gods for an explanation on why they allowed such events to take place.

Looking for sugar mummies is simply being lazy. A man must work..I always say that I want to work for everything I will ever achieve in life. I don’t want anything to be handed to me. I don’t want anyone else to be responsible for my success or wealth. When I get that 5-bedroom mansion, I would love to stand outside it and tell myself that what I am seeing is the fruit of my sweat and unrivaled work ethic.

There are too many disadvantages of dating sugar mummies. Analogously, you might be tempted to entertain the notion of getting a cougar if your levels of thirst are astronomical and you happen to suffer from a lack of zeros in your bank account. But horny, broke men who are seeking these kinds of arrangements are usually blind to the pitfalls.

I am saying this as a man who has seen two former friends suffer as a result of chasing the menopause women.

One recently got kicked out of a lavish apartment he had been rented for in Hurlingham because the old, ugly and wealthy woman busted him ‘watching TV’ with a young pretty girl. Yes, they were watching TV. They weren’t even kissing or affixing private parts. This is a friend who had ignored us, the rest of his buddies, for almost a year because he felt ‘amefika’. This mama had also organized a job for him in one of the companies in which she is a board member and now she has had him sacked. Ruthless. The dude is now living in a bedsitter in Ngara and spends his days chewing mogoka like Nebuchadnezzar. He doesn’t know what to do with his life anymore.

Another former friend got seriously clobbered by the husband of the sugar mummy he was dating back in 2015. He was found shagging the woman in Karen and was beaten silly. I am talking teeth on the floor and blood everywhere. The mboch apparently snitched on them because the mama was always rude to her. After receiving the UFC-ish beatings, the guy had to be admitted to a hospital for a week. Dude still walks with a limp to this day and is now saved.

Dating older women for financial gains appears lucrative in theory but it’s hell disguised as paradise. First of all sugar mummies are the most jealous lovers ever. She might be married but will still not want you to see someone else. She knows very well that you won’t marry her but she won’t want you to even think of another girl. Your dick is hers and hers alone. What’s even worse? They love their sex raw because they know they can no longer get pregnant or are on the pill. So she gets shagged raw by her huband who also shagged a barmaid raw, then she comes to you to dip your uncovered thing in there. Terrible.

Sugar mummies control their young lovers like pets too. Whenever she calls, you have to drop everything you are doing and go. No debates. Otherwise you will be replaced quicker than a pad on a woman’s nunu during her periods. Basically, you are nothing but a slave. Restrictions, rules and requirements become the hallmarks of your so-called fancy life.

Is it all worth it? Definitely not.

Most of these older women seeking younger men are crazy and weird people. Some sugar mummies were too unattractive in their prime mating years to get a decent man to commit to them. Some are divorced and overestimated their competitive value on the sexual market as older versions of themselves. Some have given up attracting the men they really want (i.e. older men with means and options who don’t want them) and have chosen the pathetic life of offering their aged, floppy pussies free of charge to horny younger guys who just want to dump a quick fuck in any available hole, no muss no fuss.

Then there are the women who became sugar mummies because of their own stupid choices. These are the sad detritus of former urban slut machines; the women who spent their valuable youth hopping from one cock to another only to wake up one day, old and messed up wondering why the cool men no longer look at them with lust in their eyes. Hence, they turn themselves into chasers.

To be fair, maybe an older woman might be better in bed or know how to suck dick. Years on the carousel might have honed her ball-draining skills to near perfection. However, one huge drawback is that an older woman’s body just isn’t the same as a young woman’s body. This may seem obvious to the smart men, but the way sugar mummies are exalted and pedestalized to the masses makes them seem like angels.

The fact is, their vaginas don’t feel the same (yes, looser and dry like Nairobi taps during water rationing). Their skin isn’t as fine or supple, and you are seldom able to pound the piss out of them like you would a tight young filly. In all honesty, the body of an older woman isn’t going to illicit the same erectile response as younger woman.

So dear men, we need to quit fantasizing about the imaginary land of smoking hot 40+ year old hot women with bags of cash begging us to bang them into submission and making themselves the main source of our coitus cuisine. It’s just not going to happen. You might have a few sweet months but then troubles will rain on you like Barcelona goals into a Getafe net.


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About Philip Etemesi

I am the sheriff in this town. Writing is my joie de vivre. I am a superman thanks to God. Find me on Whatsapp via 0771048899
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