Single mommery has been a hot topic for the longest time. I’ve never understood men who get women pregnant then refuse to take care of the kid. I know it’s cliche to say this but personally, I cant risk a scenario where I abandon a kid then years later after plenty has changed and grey hair has germinated on my scalp, he grows up to be a Diamond Platnumz or any other super-successful person.
Alafu I attempt to sneak back into his life like “My man!!…I am so proud of you. I am your father by the way. You probably might not remember me because I left when you were still in the womb. But that’s the past. Can we be friends now? Can you give me some of that mullah?”
Despite the desperate pleas, the son ignores you and makes you look like a fool. You see him building mansions for his mother and buying her Ranger Rovers while he refuses to return your calls. How painful must that feel? That’s something I can’t risk. Even if I get to have 100 children, i’ll be there for all of them.
A child who has been raised by the mother alone always grows up to hate his absentee father with the heat of a thousand white hot suns. Which man would be okay with being hated this way by his own child?
Men who use the disappearing tactic really baffle me. You get a woman pregnant and just vanish? Why? You don’t give your child your time, your money or your love, yet the one thing you give them is consistency: you are consistently not there.
You probably weren’t some teenage kid when the woman told you she was expectant. You were old enough to know better. Old enough to know your own mind. Old enough to take responsibility. Why then did you abandon the mother and the offspring?
Children need fathers. Fatherhood isn’t a concept to be taken lightly in any sense of the word. Fatherhood is the capstone of masculinity in a healthy society. The deleterious consequences that result from the erosion of fatherhood cannot be understated. Fatherhood, simply, is the bedrock of society
Maybe I feel this way because I consider myself a responsible mate. The reality is, a lot of men aren’t responsible mates
In the issue of fatherless kids, I feel that majority of single mothers are not free from blame. There are a few women who thought they were marrying decent men that they could raise a family with then the men disappointed them and broke their hearts. This led to separation when there were already kids involved. I totally understand this. There are also those women whose partners died, leaving them with kids. I understand this too.
However, majority of single mothers (especially young single mothers) are where they are today because of poor choices. They did something called poor mate selection. They had the option of choosing the right guys but they chose the wrong guy. Why? Because, the right guy is the nice guy and the nice guy is boring.
They knew the men they were sleeping with were the wrong men but they rode along because it was fun at the moment. Quiz a young single mother keenly and you will discover she chose a hot guy with abs or a guy who took her out every weekend and drowned her in liqour instead of the guy who was intelligent, caring, shy and had all the potential of being a good father.
She knew the guy was wild and crazy noncommital cad but now she is shocked that he got her knocked up and refused to take care of the kid. She is currently shouting “men are trash” from the top of the mountains.
She never sat down with him to gauge his intelligence and his level of responsibility. She never asked him important questions. She never asked him about his views on fatherhood and raising a family, She just enjoyed the fun moments and that was enough. Then she realized she was pregnant.
She was scared at first but then she grew confident. She ‘knew’ he ‘loved’ her so she hit him with the news that a fetus was gestating. She expected a “Beb…I am so happy!” reaction from him but he instead ditched her the same way he ditched the condom. It’s very likely that he suggested an abortion first before ditching her.
I realized that most young Kenyan women are prone to poor mate selection. Your typical young Kenyan lady will choose a broke and arrogant DJ who has a crazy hairstyle and tattoos everywhere over a humble and nerdy-looking doctor who has big glasses and a heart of gold. You will often hear girls pointing to a guy in a suit and bling in a club and saying “That guy is so hot….he’s a snack”. You will never hear them pointing to the hardworking and respectful guy in the office or class and say “That guy is so intelligent.”..or “That guy knows how to treat people.”
Tell me, who between the two is more likely to be a deadbeat father?
Single mothers deserve praise for effortlessly raising kids without male help. It’s laudable for a woman to take on this monumental responsibility alone.
But for the most part, single mommies are in this situation because they were their own worst enemeis.
Irresponsible men don’t just fall from the sky and land in women’s beds. Irresponsible men who dump women when a baby is forming don’t just magically change from good men into monsters. They were already bad. The woman just chose to be blind to this fact.
And there aren’t only bad men to choose from. Good men are present everywhere. Their population is vast. But most single moms didn’t want good men. Most single moms ignored good men in favor of the fun men. Their preference was a man who gave them Instagrammy moments, not exactly not a responsible man. They preferred an adventurous man than a dependable man. Rather than look for a long term man to eventually marry and create a life with, single moms looked for men that excited them at that very moment.
At the end of the day we are the sum of our choices.
The great Roy. T. Bennet once said:
“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”
Let’s meander back to basics. Ladies have the upper hand in choosing a bae. The work of men is to pitch themselves and the work of women whether the pitch is something that can be made into a full project. Women get hit on by dozens of men daily. They have all the time to analyze these men by character and pick only the best one. Men can really wait too, so time isn’t an excuse
The criteria a woman uses to choose a mate is what will determine whether she’ll get screwed over or whether she’ll have a man whose kids will be running to while happily shouting “Daddy…Daddy” every evening. If she chooses a loser, she is most likely to get screwed over and if she chooses a good, chilled out guy, she is more likely to have a good husband for a long time
Sometimes women find themselves in a conundrum. They want a baddass, macho man biologically but they also want a nice guy who will provide for their family and teach the kids good ways, not just how to drink vodka. And a man who is both badass/macho and nice rarely exists. It’s hard to find a man with the perfect blend. A lady has to compromise. How she compromises might just be the difference between single mommery and married mommery.
Smart women choose good men and other women don’t. They all have the choice. But they don’t all make the good choice. A historical analysis of single moms will reveal that they compromised on peace, calm and family. Married moms compromised on fun and excitement.
The nerdy accountant who prays before meals isn’t going to give a woman wild nights at Kiza lounge but she can be sure he’ll be a good daddy to the kids.
There is abundance in this world. There are plenty of ordinary guys with great personalities. Guys whose income is not outstanding but it’s something. Guys who will never leave over petty issues. Unfortunately, such guys don’t fit the criteria of the young Kenyan girl. Why go with an emotionally stable, shy man when she can have an unstable, untamed, dreadlocked man who will borrow her money all the time?
It’s not totally the man’s fault that he broke your heart. You selected him. Women generally choose men. They decide which men to have sex with. As a lady, a lot of men will want to sleep with you and that’s where choice comes in. So don’t let it get to your head and choose a loser. Yes, of course you’re going to attract lots and lots of losers. Sometimes your ability to sift through the BS is what will determine whether you will be part of the single mom gang or the happily married gang.
The women that are currently in happy marriages didn’t have children until they were ready….or at least until they were sure the guy was a good daddy waiting to happen. These women understood how bad it is for a kid to not have a father-figure in their life so they prioritized character and work-ethic over other things such as looks or humor in mate selection. They chose men who they at least felt were unlikely to leave them and were in it for the long haul. Men who are mentally stable, mature and responsible. They sought out these good qualities in men they dated and married – hence they experienced the rewards that come along with marrying stable, mature and responsible men.
It’s all choices women……It’s all choices.
The “winner women” I have been lucky enough to interact with didn’t fall for “bad boys” or the “starving artist guy” who is eloquent and looks sharp – but is unstable. Instead, they chose winners and you know what? A winner’s mind and conscience cannot allow him to not leave a woman hanging once she gets pregnant. Low quality men produce low quality lives. Loser + Loser = Loser life. Winner + Winner = Winning life.
A good portion of single mothers won’t agree with this article. I won’t be surprised because it’s more to satisfying to be in denial and to blame any other person that isn’t yourself. Throw “bad luck” in there too. The reality is, “whack luck” and “other people” didn’t coerce you to breed with deadbeat losers. You made that choice yourself and as a result, he left you a single mother.
If you breed with a douchebag who has no history of being a gentleman, do you honestly expect him to be loyal and stick around and be a David Mathenge kind of daddy when he knocks you up? Unless a miracle happens, he will do what he knows best – flee to the terrains. The warning signs were all there.
You didn’t see it coming? Spare us the tears. He was smooth yes but any woman willing to open her eyelids can spot a joker from kilometers away.
Oooh…..ati you thought you could change him? Past and present behavior is the ultimate predictor of future behavior. Majority of humans can but will never change.
It’s a cause-and-effect universe. If you tango with jokers, the joke will be on you. If you tango with serious people, good fortunes will be on you.
Jokers come with a barrage of red flags and if you ignore the flags and allow reproduction to take place, it’s totally your fault. In fact, shame on thou for making your innocent children have a tough life because you couldn’t see past a guy’s cool beard and nice suit
Fall for a loser. Engage in intercourse with this loser. Have this loser’s baby. Guess what happens next? Cause and effect.
Every decision has a consequence. If you eat nothing but sweets and chocolate all day, you’ll probably get your tooth removed someday. If you eat smokies and chipo while sitting on the couch watching TV all day and every day, you’ll become fat. Then you’ll start including the hashtag #TeamCurvy in your pics. Dear people, there’s a difference between curves and fat. But that’s a topic for another day.
Poor mate choice is something we really need to address more extensively so as to figure out this quandary that is single mommery. A few people might hate me for this article but the truth shall remain embedded in it. The human mind is wired to rebel against the truth. People loathe having to admit to terrible choices.
You most likely ended up as a struggling single mother because you made terrible choices in when deciding who you dated and had Durex-less or Trust-less sex with.
This is my opinion. It’s not a diss to single mothers. It is a wake-up call. All is not lost. You still have the opportunity to make a good mate choice going-forward. There are women who were were single mothers but have now settled down with loving men who take care of the kids.
If you have a different opinion, feel free to state it. Let’s discuss these issues objectively and make our society a better place.
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