Society

Slay Queens And Their Unhealthy Obsession With Uber

I had a rather interesting encounter with a slay queen recently after I tripped and fell in her DMs. She was a solid 9, just a big forehead away from being a 10. I looked at her hundreds of photos on Instagram and found myself messaging her. Trust me, I did not say “hey big head!!” I am better than that. 😄

Seeing that she was the ”Blankets & Wine was lit” type, the ”my girls threw me a birthday party in Diani” type, I made sure to sell myself well. I was aware that she wouldn’t be impressed by a kawaida man. No matter how valuable you think you are, you always have to pitch yourself intelligently to a girl in order for her to buy into the idea of hanging out with you. Sometimes even top notch goods sit moldy on the shelves for lack and marketing and salesmanship.

After chatting for a few days, we agreed on a day to meet. She was to come to my place.

On that day, this is how our conversation went.

Her: So si you are sending me money for Uber I come.

Me: Huh?

Her: Imagine I don’t do mats.

Me: Why?

Her: They are chaotic. I just like to transport my pretty ass in peace. Plus I don’t want my Tecno Camon to get stolen in a mat.You know it’s brand new.

Me:  Have you read ‘The Richest Man In Babylon’?

Her: It’s in which blog? Send me the link.

Me: It’s a book you asshole (I deleted the words ‘you asshole’ before sending)

Her: I don’t like reading books, they are too much hustle. I prefer watching. Is there a movie about it?

Me: No….you dumb motherfucker (again, I deleted the words ‘you dumb motherfucker’ before pressing send.)

Her: So what’s it about?

Me: It’s a book that is basically a compilation of pamphlets written in parables. It teaches people how to acquire financial wisdom and to avoid choosing a more expensive service over a cheaper one when the outcome of the service is the same.

Her: Ummm…hata sijaelewa but it’s ok. So you sending cab money?

Me: Just take a mat.

Her: Aki kua serious. Si i told you I can’t. Please send. Na usisahau ya kutoa.

Me; *blue ticks* ✓ ✓

30 MINUTES LATER

Her: Hey..hujasend?

Me: *blue ticks* ✓ ✓

ONE HOUR LATER:

Her: Hey…it’s getting late.

Me: *blue ticks* ✓ ✓

TWO HOURS LATER

Her: Nkt. What kind of dude are you? Broke ass dude. You can’t even send a chick cab fare. I wish I didn’t waste my time chatting with you. Nkt. Useless

Me:  *blue ticks* ✓ ✓

THREE HOURS LATER

Her: Hey, don’t ignore my messages. Answer me.

Me:  *blue ticks* ✓ ✓

I am sure that at this point, her face morphed from a beautiful smile into a twisted caricature of shock, revulsion, and utter disbelief

Four hours later, she blocked me. Lol!!!

There’s no better feeling than blue-ticking a slay queen after making her invest in you emotionally. It’s the sweetest way to turn tables. And you can never feel guilty about it because you are certain she does the same thing to about ten guys everyday.

Miss Slay Queen was pretty yes but there was no way I was going to send her money for an Uber when there was a cheaper option that she could have used.

Seriously though, what’s with slay queens and their obsession with Uber?

Uber has become like cocaine to slay queens. They are addicted.  They crave it, they need it, they can’t stop pulling out their phones to request one. They get so excited when they see that the ride is less than five minutes away. If someone was to open a rehab for Uber addicts, the client list would consist of make-up filled females only.

There is something about matatus that just freaks these girls out.  I know a lady who lives in a bedsitter where she pays a rent of 7K a month but she takes an Uber to and from work everyday. She works in tao by the way. It’s not like her office is in hidden locations where matatus don’t ply. And like I mentioned in one of my earlier articles, there are those that can’t even walk a short distance, they have to take an Uber. Some can even take an Uber from Afya Center to railways.

These same slay queens are the same ones that like saying “I don’t do men who don’t drive.” Sadly, the men who drive never seem to care enough to drive them around. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be hopping from Uber to Uber in the first place, would they?

I like to imagine that slay queens feel like they are in a limo when they are being chauffeured around in a cab. They feel like little billionaires as they tap on their phones while the driver is maneuvering through traffic.

I applaud myself for sticking to my principles and refusing to send the chick money for an Uber. There is no doubt now about the uselessness of spending huge sums of money at the request of girls you haven’t slept with yet. If you have slept with her before and she happens to have an emergency, then maybe you can send her money. Otherwise she shouldn’t have a problem with rushing to the matatu stage and asking “Ni ngapi hadi tao?”

If a girl is asking you to spend heavily on her when you haven’t slept with her yet, she is hoping to get you to reveal your inner desperation and thus make her job of deciding whether to sleep with you much easier. Girls are designed by Mother Gaia to root out a man’s hidden desperation as quickly as possible so that they may then move on to locating and banging genuine manly men. After all, to a woman, time is the enemy. Those burgeoning wrinkles don’t wait for anyone.

By sending that slay queen cab fare, I’d have shown that I was desperate to sleep with her. You know what would have happened when she came to my place? She could have said we just chill. She could have pulled away when I tried to kiss her. She could have plastered me with the “I didn’t come to have sex…I barely even know you” BS.

I’d give the following advice to guys. Even if you are rich and sending a girl 2k for Uber doesn’t not bother you, refrain from doing it either way. One, it does not get you any closer to your goal (in fact, it probably pulls you farther away), and two, it poisons the girl’s mind well for future men when the self-entitled princess you just created with your freewheeling spending lives her days out expecting every other man who wants to meet her to pay for Uber first.  If you feel are rich rich, why don’t you go ahead and buy her a mansion so that you can own her? ……..that’s until she hires Njoro the driver and he becomes Njoro the lolo lambarer.😂

Surprisingly the slay queen unblocked me a few days later and hit me up with another ‘Hi! Are you still willing to meet up?‘ text.

This proves my point. Although presented as a way to make a possible love connection, sending money actually spoils a woman’s budding attraction for you.  If you have a lick of dignity and a smidgen of understanding about women’s sexual processes, you won’t be trying to meet a girl’s conditions that she has come up with before you can bed her. Send that money and you will remain a celibate monk whose only mastery lies in scooping Vaseline. But pass her shit test by refusing to cave to her demands, and her eyes will sparkle with growing attraction for your demonstrated value.

No, literally, they will sparkle. It’s weird.

Don’t send cab money. Slay queens wapande matatu!! 

 

 

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