Why Is Your Instagram Account Private? We Want To See Ass

Ass-viewing is a fundamental right that should be accorded to every male member of Instagram without bias and without being subjected to the tiresome task of following first.

We are very willing to look, why aren’t you willing to show? We want to see ass, or tits. or legs or anything that you have to offer. You gotta have something. If you have nothing, it’s okay. You can show us too so that we can do a mini-referendum within our heads to decide whether we should screen your captions for traces of intelligence to cover for the lack of assets or just move on to the next girl with ass.

And I insist…we don’t want to follow you. We want to go through all your pictures at once when we have time not wait for a single one to pop up every now and then. Why should we follow you? Are you Jesus Christ of Nazareth? Is your father’s name Joseph? Is he a carpenter? Were you born in a manger? Can you turn water into mzinga? If yes, then we can consider following you. Are you Huddah, Betty Kyallo? We can consider following too. Otherwise if you are a bedsitter chick, kindly be easy. Our eyes just want to evaluate your body parts. We want to thirst at you. A little thirsting never hurt anyone.

Why is your account private anyway? What are you hiding? Are you a terrorist? Bank robber? Were you part of the La Casa De Papel squad? Do you have the guy who killed Tupac in one of your pictures?

If the answer to all these questions is no, then you have no logical to keep your account private. There is only one sheng word to describe you – mtiaji.

If you wanted to keep your photos private, why didn’t you just buy an old school photo album. Like the one your parents keep your childhood photos. Remember it? I’m sure you do.

Opening an Instagram account and setting your account private is like putting a strict bouncer in a  club that doesn’t even hot girls and good music.

A private Instagram account makes me irate. It raises my blood pressure, I get dizzy spells, sometimes I even end up knocking stuff all over the house. Come on girls, it’s 2018 and if you have a private Instagram account, I have two words for you: grow up. I get it, you want to make sure that murderers aren’t going to be waiting under your bed at night ready to stab you to death, but let’s look at the more important picture here. Instagram has three main purposes. 1) For men to stalk and thirst over women…then maybe slide in the DM 2) For women to stalk men they have a crush on or girls that like their boyfriends pics 3) To make you realize how terrible your life is by looking at a successful person’s pictures.

A private IG account might even cost you where it matters most. Your prince charming might have wanted to check you out, then he saw ‘This Account Is Private’ and was discouraged. Then five years from now,you will attending a church conference titled ‘How To Get A Husband.”

I know you didn’t mean to be defiant and annoying, but I’m here to help lead you to the straight and narrow. Acknowledge that you made a mistake by going private in the first place. It starts in your settings. Now go to the place written ‘Private Account’ and swipe from left to right. It will turn from green to gray. And then you’re set. You are no longer mean. You are considerate. You are a woman who takes the right to ‘free and unlimited’ viewing seriously. You are a woman who minds the welfare of men. Congratulations.

About Philip Etemesi

I am the sheriff in this town. Writing is my joie de vivre. I am a superman thanks to God. Need to discuss a thing or two with me? Shoot me an email via
1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. James Thiongo

    at 6:19 pm

    Akiaooo, this is something else. I love every bit of the story. I just have to feel a way when I read one of your stories man.

    This is a masterpiece

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