I Met The Woman Of My Dreams But She Snores Like A Subaru

This is just a brief post packed with lamentations.

I met the girl of my dreams but sadly, we can’t take this “thing” that we thought we had any further because of one major problem. She snores like a Subaru. Vroooom….vrooom. She snores like a speeding Subaru. A Subaru being driven by a bachelor who has just received a text from a slay queen saying “Nimeboeka kwa nyumba, si ukam.

There’s no doubt that you’ve heard the distinctive noise that is a Subaru in the distance. It’s a rumble and you know what it means. A 2.5-liter “boxer” flat-4 engine is heading your way, and it’s eager to spit noise into your ear holes.

Imagine being subjected to that noise for a whole night.

It’s a shame really because I liked the girl. Being around her just didn’t give me butterflies. It gave me something bigger. What’s bigger than a butterfly? An eagle? Being around her gives me eagles. She was, to put it bluntly, intimidatingly perfect. If I were to build my absolute perfect woman in a lab, she could be the one. Powerpuff chick.

The moment we met I was obsessed. She was hot, smart and kind. To top that, she was a civil engineer. It’s not everyday that you come across an attractive lady who knows how way around arithmetic and construction. But the snoring maaan…

Now, I know most of you would say “so, the only thing wrong with her is that she makes loud noises while sleeping? What a nonexistent problem to have.” But I want you all to put yourself in my sneakers for a moment. I am not really a fan of bang bang boom noise. It’s the reason I only go clubbing occasionally. Being subjected to extreme noises too frequently gives me intense chronic headaches.

So, at this point you might have a little more empathy for my situation. Good, now that we’re on this journey together, let me paint the picture for you. When a man finds a perfect woman that he deems a suitable candidate for dating or matrimony, he does so quickly. But I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like I am at a safari rally event every night.

My mum would kill me if I she discovered I cut ties with a wife material girl but luckily she doesn’t read blogs. Attention cousins of mine who read my stuff, please don’t tell my moda or I shall…….umm… I don’t know what i’ll do to you but it’s gonna be something bad.

I haven’t even told you how my experience with with the girl unfolded. So here’s what happened.

After a night of wild sex, she succumbed to sleep. You know what they say? If she doesn’t fall asleep right after the action, you haven’t ploughed the farm well enough. Seeing that she had drifted to slumberland, I took my satisfied self to the loo to take a leak as is my tradition and that of many other men before going to bed. While answering the call of nature, I heard loud reverberations that were similar to that of a vehicle. Where could the sound be coming from at that time of the night? I assumed that maybe one of my female neighbours was being dropped at her house by her Subaru spinner boyfriend. I was wrong.

Shock was on me when I returned to the bedroom and discovered that the sound was coming right out of the girl’s body. If you didn’t know better, you’d think a giant was trying to snort a line of houses in the neighbourhood. Either way, I figured it was normal and so I just joined her.  I elbowed her on the side and she rolled over. She stopped snoring. Yes!! Finally, I could get some sleep. No sooner had I enjoyed my new found sleep than she began to snore again. The volume started out low, so I tried to ignore, but soon the whole room was rumbling with her inhales and exhales. It continued for the rest of the night.

By the time morning arrived, I hadn’t slept even a little. And she had the audacity to ask for morning glory. Judge me all you want but I pretended I had been summoned to an urgent meeting so we had to leave quickly. That was the last time I saw her.

I have no problem with people who snore. If the girl of my dreams had the gentle, heavy breathing type of snore, I would gladly accept to be lulled to sleep by its rhythm each night until we grew old together. Instead, her snore is one measured in decibels, the noise of a freight train reaching Guinness World Record proportions and enough to shake the bed and rattle the roof.

Snoring is the kind of thing that can turn a sane, rational human being into a stabby, ragey, sleep-deprived monster.  Sleep is so important. Without sleep, we become moody, less productive, perhaps dare I say angry.

Moody sucks. I want to be happy and peaceful.

And why is it the snoring always kicks in right when you’re finally getting cozy and dozy? Just when you are getting into the first minute of your sweet dream, you are woken up by the rumble from the other person’s nostrils. Or is it throat? Where does the sound come from by the way?

I might never know. That chapter is closed.

Goodbye “Woman Of My Dreams.”


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