Society

I Pretended To Be A White Guy On Tinder And This Is How Kenyan Ladies Threw Themselves At Me

When it comes to the dating market, not all men are playing on the same field. Some are playing at the Santiago Bernabeu while others are playing at Nyayo Stadium.  Locally, white men have it the easiest. Forget celebrities.

Keeping up with my mischievous ways, I conducted an experiment to determine just how much Kenyan women are into white men. I created a fake account on Tinder and put pictures of some random guy from Croatia that I found on the Internet.

After that, I started swiping right on every hot girl I could see. You all know how Tinder works. Pictures of girls appear one at a time, then you swipe right if she meets your ‘beauty in the beholder’s eyes’ threshold or you swipe left if you feel she’s not your type. If she likes how you look, she will accept the match then the two of you can start chatting. However, getting a match is not easy. Chicks have finely honed male filter mechanisms that can quickly and efficiently sort the bores from the bosses. They ignore dudes the way Nairobi drivers ignore traffic lights. I know a lot of guys who never got a single match on Tinder, forcing them to abandon the app

Interestingly, as a fake white guy, almost every swipe I made to the right ended up being a match. I was barraged with options. All girls wanted to talk to me. I had so many matches I didn’t even know who to pay attention to. My phone was buzzing with so many messages, it was unbelievable.  As an African guy, consider yourself lucky if you get more than five matches in a week, yet as a mzungu, I had over 30 matches in a few hours. Some even swiped right on me first. And these were super fine ghels.

Since it was an experiment, I proceeded to chat with them in the most aggressive way possible. I got extremely naughty and composed explicit flirt messages that would normally be met with insults or blue ticks if they came from a local black mouth like mine and yours. But guess what? These Kenyan girls were very warm and accommodating. Nearly all of them were ready to part thighs for me within the first few minutes of chatting.

The results of my little experiment are worth examining in detail for the clarity they provide to men who rely on the local dating marketplace as the fulcrum of their mate selection strategy. Let’s break down each girl one by one

Specimen 1

Sally was ready to make babies with me despite the fact that I was a total stranger. Not just one baby but two babies. Fadda Lord!! She didn’t even bother to do a background check on me. She didn’t care to think that maybe I might be a direct descendant of notorious killer Jack The Ripper or an international arms smuggler wanted by Interpol and the FBI. She was all but ready to present her vagina to a white penis for reproduction purposes. Damn,

 

Specimen 2

I didn’t even say hello or introduce myself. I just began with a perverted statement, asking her if she was ready to give me a blowjob in Spain. She jumped on the opportunity with more zeal than a makanga jumping onto a moving matatu. She went on to explain in detail how she would provide heavenly fellatio. If you tried this stunt as an African man, you’d be pelted with insults and possibly get exposed on Facebook and Instagram as a horny and mannerless simpleton .

 

Specimen 3

She texted me first – not just a simple innocent text. She called me ‘love’. Her relentless pursuit continued as she went on to tell me how horny she was.  After a brief chit-chat, I lied that I live in Kileleshwa then asked her to come over the next day. She promised to do so and kindly inquired about the appropriate time. I ignored her from there on and I am sure she’s restless right now, wondering where her white ticket to eternal luxury and success disappeared to. Poor girl.

 

Specimen 4.

Woiye Teddy. Look at her last seven texts – all ignored. She is wondering why I am not responding. She is probably depressed right now, wondering why the white man has forsaken her after she agreed to everything. She even agreed to be urinated on and to lick the asshole. Haha. Anything for the white man.

 

Specimen 5

Maureen is as obedient as a Scottish king’s knights. She doesn’t mind a perfunctory fuck with a white stranger. I instruct her to come over and she immediately promises to do so. White privilege is real people. She goes on to praise my body too, not knowing she is being catfished.

 

Specimen 6. 

What do you think would happen if you just called a random Kenyan girl your munchkin out of the blue. First she would give a long mschew then commence a lengthy rant filled with statements such as “Ata hunijui na unaniita munchkin. Ebu go away. Nkt” But this girl right here is as receptive as Mother Teresa because she has seen white skin. She pledges to avail herself at my non-existent hotel room suite, knowing very well that she will get devoured and used for sexual pleasures.

 

Specimen 7

 

Jesus! She asked me for money. Still, I cant help but burst out in laughter.This is what I call LACK OF AMBITION. You have the chance to ask a white guy for money and you ask him for 50 dollars? That’s 5000 shillings only. Girl. you are part of the reason why Africa has economic struggles.

Specimen 8

Another one texted me first and didn’t hide her thirst at all. I am pretty sure she was as wet as the Mwea Rice Plantation.  Her hands were up in the air, ready to touch my chest. Upon assessing her messages further, I think she is more into looks. She can bang any guy, so long as he is hot.  And that’s the only way you can succeed as a black man on Tinder. You have to be hot or have a killer fashion sense. Most bros will agree that this is rather unfortunate. Can someone create a dating app that displays intelligence/IQ instead of looks?

 

Specimen 9

See how I put no effort at all.  My first message is just a request for a date and she says yes. As a Kenyan guy,you will have to invest dozens of hours in texting, phone calls and dates to hit that punani.

 

Specimen 10

She is in for sex ladies and gentlemen. At least she is bright enough to not accept a pregnancy offer immediately like the first girl. I’ll laud her for that. But did you see the last thing she said? She will swallow the cock. till it reaches her throat. Where did Michael Jackson change his skin from black to white? We need to sign up my fellow Kenyan men. Haha

 

 Specimen 11

As easy as a Messi goal.

And that wraps it up. You’ve seen how fair the ground is if your skin is white. Kenyan girls have an insatiable appetite for the male human from Europe or America. They want the money, the vacations around the world and the cute babies. They are ready to do anything. They offer no resistance. No playing hard to get, no blue ticks, no resistance. Nothing. All they say is yes…yes….yes.

Ponder over that.

 

 

About Philip Etemesi

I am the sheriff in this town. Writing is my joie de vivre. I am a superman thanks to God. Find me on Whatsapp via 0771048899
1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. justawhitedude

    September 20, 2018 at 9:46 am

    what if you are from a poor european country like romania or albania?

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