Dear fruits of my loins,
First of all, congratulations in advance for the fact that you will be brought into this world by the greatest and most obnoxious man on earth (me) and the most caring woman on earth (your mother), whom I haven’t met yet at the of time writing this letter. I just want to let you know that you will not be getting any inheritance from me. I plan to blow the whole of my wealth on booze, traveling, and coastal prostitutes. So prepare for your future. Sort yourselves out.
Forget about me taking you to university. You think I want to sock away a hefty percentage of my take-home so I can put your asses through an overpriced IQ-notarizing institution for the benefit of corporate human resources departments? Fuck you. I know you will copy CATs and assignments anyway. Save up yourself, get HELB loans, or learn a trade. The library is free. Consider yourselves privileged to have been the lucky sperms. You have no idea how many got poured into condoms or women’s mouths and never made it to a satisfactory ovary
Don’t come to me for a self-esteem boost. That’s your mother’s job. I’ll tell it like it is. You’re getting fat? I’ll let you know. You throw like a girl? I’ll have the video to prove it. That’s a father’s job; to give you a taste of reality that’ll either motivate you to improve or divert your energies into more productive pursuits. Fuck this kumbaya cooperative superfeminized dreamworld shit that’s killed the true African spirit. I’ll give it straight up.
If I catch you masturbating do not look me in the eye. We are never to speak of it. We will act as if nothing ever happened.
On a related note, you are not to disturb me while I am in my masturbatorium while your mummy is away.
I will have mistresses because it is the Kenyan thing to do. Get used to it. Don’t you dare report me to your mother.
To my daughters I will flirt with your unbelievably luscious, hot teenage female friends no matter how old I get. Get used to it.
I will never hit you. Instead, I will give you doses of reality until you are hitting yourself for your foolish behavior.
I will love you very much… unless you do things that will make me not love you. Nothing is unconditional in this world. Learn that lesson well.
If someone is causing you undeserved trouble or heartache in your life, you will have no more powerful ally than me. Do not abuse this privilege.
To my daughters again: Disownable offenses include whoring, getting your private parts tattooed or pierced, sex with losers and choosing stupid careers such as modeling and singing.
To my sons: You will learn how to seduce girls before the age of 16 if it kills you. You are also allowed to put posters of porn stars in your room. Bang them bitches. You are not allowed to date only one woman.
I will treat the family dog better than you if you study anything that doesn’t ensure a salary high enough to keep you from grubbing off me and relying on others. Learn how to throw a punch to anyone that messes with you. If you turn out gay, don’t ever bring your “boyfriend” around me. If you do, will run you both down with my car. I promise. Certain things are best left in the realm of the abstract.
if I find out your mother was a two-timing whore and you are not my kid, you will never hear from me again. Kindly direct all your rage her way.
Your future daddy